The First Day of School

Figures of speech don't usually resinate with me. But tonight, I fully understand what it means to have a stomach in knots. Whoever coined the phrase must've had children. I've had some pretty extreme anxiety in my own life, but nothing compares to the gut-wrenching concern I have when I anticipate your fear, pain, frustration, confusion and sadness.

I want you to know that I have always analyzed and then overanalyzed your plan of care... to the detriment of my stomach. If we took a prescribed path in life, it's because your mama read a lot and studied and researched and talked to autistic adults, their parents and therapy friends. I've also been known to email renowned researchers a time or two.

When I started this journey, I relied heavily on medical professionals to tell me what to do. Some of them have been incredible. A few have given me opinions that I left sitting in their office. A couple have made a vein pop out of my forehead, and one has dismissed me from her practice. That's a funny story I can't wait to tell you someday.

The best advice I've received so far, hands down, has come from your autistic peers. Note: at the time of writing this, I've yet to find an adult with NAA15 who also had developmental delay.

So, here we are. The team that provided your diagnosis recommends a half day at preschool and a half day at ABA. After consulting autistic adults, I found that schedule to be too strenuous. I've opted to wait on ABA.

Even after all the planning, I'm actually terrified to send you to preschool tomorrow. You've done a similar program through an area nonprofit where you received early intervention services. Their day-to-day team was bigger and they had certain freedoms to bend their rules or try something different. Now, I feel like we're at the mercy of the county and state.

I'm not going to say this was the first time I made a decision and questioned if it was the right one, as far as you are concerned. It is, however, the first time I'm going into a situation not feeling completely prepared for what comes next, and I don't like not knowing what's in store for my nonverbal daughter's future.

Many years ago I almost believed an autism fallacy - that people with autism lack the ability to sympathize and love. But I know you love me. I also know you trust me more than anyone else. Tomorrow I'm afraid you're going to question my judgement and maybe even my love for you. But please believe me, my baby. There is no greater sacrifice than doing what's best for your child no matter how knotted your stomach may be.

Drinking Pepto,

Mama